


Sinner

by mikasasha



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Heteronormativity, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Multi, Religion, Unrequited Love, have fucking fun losers, there is no sad mikasashaficss ? so here u go :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikasasha/pseuds/mikasasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mikasa thinks Sasha is fantastic. Mikasa thinks Sasha is kind, beautiful, funny, brash. Mikasa knows Sasha goes to church, Sasha is Christian, Sasha is homophobic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sinner

**Author's Note:**

> listen to take me to church by hozier rigHT NOW
> 
> also i had to abandon my non binary hanji headcanon for this fic :(

     In the November of the first grade, Eren told me for the first time to stop bothering him and his friends. Honestly, I didn't want to. I had no one to talk to besides him and Armin. But it was what he wanted, so I listened and watched him from a bit away. To make sure no one hurt him. I watched him play handball at the courts from the cafeteria tables at lunch and snack time. He never won. He would get mad at Jean whenever he beat him. Which was every time they played. 

     I was fine not talking to anyone during those times. As long as I was watching Eren and was sure he was okay, I was content. In fact, watching from afar was better than watching from up close. I love Eren, but not the smell of his sweat or how dirty he got when he played. So I was a bit uncomfortable when the girl everyone loved came up to me on Tuesday, November 26th, 1996, and introduced herself as Sasha Blouse. I know who you are, I said. She said she was happy about that. We watched Eren play together all of snack and lunch in silence that day. The next one, too. But the one after that, she spoke about how her dog could sit now. My dog can do that too, I said. She said she was happy about that, and that our dogs should get together and sit together. That, Thursday, November 28th, 1996, was the first time I had smiled in a couple months.

     On December 2nd, 1996, Sasha arrived at school with a broken right leg. Everyone had all been worried and amazed, and had asked to sign her cast. She politely declined until snack time, where she came up to me at the cafeteria tables as I watched my brother play handball and asked me to sign her cast. It had been green, and she had a red glitter sharpie she spent four dollars and sixty-two cents on because she knew red was my favorite color. I had just written for her to get better. Promise ya I won't forget who wrote it, she said. Ya have neat handwriting. Neatest I ever known. I like it a real lot when ya do those writing drawings that make words. I asked her if she was talking about me writing Japanese. She said yes. I thanked her for not making fun of me when I accidentally wrote in Japanese. She said she would never, and that she would gladly beat up anyone who made fun of me.

     On the Friday beginning winter break, Sasha asked me to come over to her house for a sleepover. I agreed, and the Jaegers urged me to go as well. Said it would be good for me. When I came to her house, she showed me the barn and her cows. Thissun is Jackie, named 'er myself. That's Minnie, she's real nice, lets me pet 'er an' kiss 'er on the ear sometimes. But we ain't allowed to touch Betty back there, she's real mean. Only Pa can touch 'er, 'e knows how to calm Betty down. She urged me to pet Minnie. I had reached up to scratch her behind the ear. She mooed. 

     Let's go inside an' play house, she said. Yer scarf is a whole heck of a lot pretty, we shouldn't get it all dirty. When we went inside, Mrs. Blouse told us no dirt in the house and gave us cookies. We went in her room, and she told me she would be the dad if I would be the mom. Mommies and daddies kiss when the daddy gets home from the office, she said. So I'll come home while yer in the kitchen bakin' cookies an' kiss you and we can eat dinner with the baby. She pretended to walk in a door, and she came up to me and kissed me on the mouth. I didn't know much about kissing, just that it happened in fairy tales. I wondered if that was a fairy tale, because I felt happy with her as a dad and me as a mom. After she kissed me, I asked if we could start over, because she needed to kiss me again. She didn't ask why, and I was glad, because I didn't know.

     The four following weeks were winter break. Sasha spent it all in her home town. The day she left for Alabama, cast littered with signatures, she'd told me she'd be back real soon. I'll miss ya a whole, whole bunch. But I'll be back soon so don't ya worry too much now!

     The first day of winter break, I went outside to watch Eren play baseball in the street with Jean and Armin. Why are you here and not with Sasha, Eren asked me. She's in her home town, I replied. He furrowed his brows and told me he didn't want me here. Alright, I said. So I went back inside and watched him from the window. I spent four weeks like that. It never snowed here, so Eren was always outside, no matter how much Carla detested it.

     On the first day of third grade, Connie Springer moved to our town. Connie Springer came to school with a bandage on his forehead and his right front tooth missing. He came up to Sasha and me watching Eren play handball and introduced himself as a boy who love dirt. Well, I'm a _girl_ who loves dirt, Sasha told him. We should get married, Connie said. Ew, she said, I don't wanna marry you. Connie crossed his arms and said that was just too bad because people who love dirt marry other people who love dirt whether she liked it or not. Sasha got sent to the principal for punching a fellow peer.

     On September 23rd, 1999, Sasha apologized for punching Connie in the face. That's alright, he said, I like strong people. That's 'cause you ain't strong, huh, she had joked, and they spent all of snack and lunch talking together while I watched Eren lose at handball. I didn't enjoy it that much.

     On September 26th, 1999, Sasha invited me to go to church with her. The Jaegers were iffy, but allowed me to go, since Sasha was my only friend. I got dressed in my best dress and nicest shoes, and the Blouses picked me up at eight thirty. I told Sasha I didn't know what to do in a church. Just follow my lead, she said. I did. 

     We were about to leave when Mr. Blouse spit in the direction of two women leaving the church the same time as us. The shorter one, a petite woman with orange hair gave a nasty look at him while the taller one, a tall woman with square glasses just tried to ignore him. Gross faggots, he'd called them. Makin' a darn mockery of God 'imself for comin' in a holy home, he said, downright disgraceful.

     Why did your father do that, I asked Sasha as we left. Sasha replied with: girls that like girls are gross, and boys that like boys are grosser, and that's just how God said it. That doesn't sound very nice of Him, I said. She told me I shouldn't question the Lord's rules.

     On December 7th, 2000, I realized that God found me gross. I was sleeping over at Sasha's house on a day for winter break when I realized I wanted to kiss her cheek and be her princess just like in the movies we watched together ever since we were little. Littler than then, of course. But I could never tell Sasha, not when I went to church with her every Sunday and watched her father spit near those two women who couldn't help being in love.

     On January 2nd, 2001, I saw the two women that came to church while grocery shopping with Carla. Carla was looking at cereal. I don't mean to bother you, I'd said, but you are very admirable for showing up to church everyday despite Mr. Blouse. You are brave, I told them, and I hope to one day stand up for you, when I'm not afraid. Petra, that was her name, had begun to cry, and Hanji, that was her name, had thanked me and said I was a kind girl.

     May 7th, 2004, I woke up to realizing I had had my first inappropriate dream. It was about Sasha. I felt horrible.

     May 7th, 2004, I had come to my junior high school to be told Sasha and Connie had begun to date. I felt horrible.

     That day was also the day when Eren stopped shrugging me off to be beaten by Jean at sports. He had noticed my bad mood, and rather than asking me what was wrong, he had hugged me, and I hugged him back.

     June 2nd, 2006, my sophomore year was coming to an end, and Eren had gotten a girlfriend. A girl named Mina. Mina was a very kind girl, whose hair was always combed perfectly and her dresses were always sunny colors even on a gloomy day. Mina and I talked a lot by my standards, and though I didn't like her much for dating my brother, she was a good person. She was the first to realize my feelings for Sasha.

     You like Sasha, she'd said one day. I looked at her with no emotion. I can tell, she told me, the way you look at her gives it all away. Do not tell anyone, I'd told her in my most monotone and cold voice. I won't, she said, and she aid it happily. 

     July 20th, 2006, I'd made out with Mina behind the fair Ferris Wheel to forget all about Sasha. I did, for a while. But when I was laying in bed that night, I thought of how much Eren appeared to like her, and I thought of howmuch Sasha would be disappointed that I acted out on my sinful thoughts.

     October 7th, 2006, I came to Sasha's house like I did everyday, only to walk into her bedroom and see Connie on top of her. On the bed she laid, and neither noticed me, but I noticed everything. The drops of sweat that had seeped into the sheets. The stray hairs on her head that had been more noticeable in the light of the sun from her window. The way her breasts moved as Connie had moved inside of her. The whiteness in her knuckles as she gripped onto the sheets. The rasp in her throat as she breathed heavily. The unbelievably fast rise and fall of her diaphragm. The way her face had transformed in the way it had- the way I'd dreamed about. 

     I shut the door quietly and drove home. I entered the door, I walked to the bathroom, and I threw up everything I'd eaten that day.

     On June 9th, 2007, I graduated at the top of my class. I'd given the valedictorian speech to the one below me.

     From then to September 19, 2014, I hadn't spoken to her. Every day I spent thinking about her. At work I hoped to see her, at university I hoped to see her, on the streets, in my apartment,  _anywhere._

 On September 19, 2014, I couldn't take it anymore. I called Sasha's old number, hoping it would still be hers. At long last, after all those years, I heard her Southern accent greet me a salutations. Hello, Sasha, I said. Mikasa, she yelled, I haven't heard that voice in ages! Yes, we should get together and catch up, I told her. I spoke fast and I was nervous. Well of course, she said, I'll come over tonight if you'll tell me the address. 

     She came over that night and we talked. She talked. She had a job as a kindergarten teacher, and her and Connie were getting married soon. 

     I'm in medical school, I told her, I'm almost done. Good for you, she told me, and it was so sincere. 

     Sasha, I have to tell you something really important.

     Awh, of course, Mika! You can tell me anythin'!

     I love you.

     I love you too, Mika.

     No, Sasha. I love you. Ever since fourth grade, maybe longer. Even in church, even while I slept over, even while you were sleeping with Connie. I've loved you. And I'm sorry.

     What, like...  _love_ me?

     Yes. I love you.

     And she was quiet for an excruciating amount of time. She stared at me, and I couldn't decipher what she was thinking. She just stared at me for what seemed like all of those years I went without her.

     "I have to go."

     And she left. Left the town. Her house was for sale. Her phone was disconnected. Eren refused to talk to me. Armin was in Alaska. Jean was in California. Everyone was gone.

     I haven't talked to Sasha since, and somehow everything just seems so much worse than the years I hadn't talked to her.

     And to Sasha, if you're reading this: I'm sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda fast paced and not as sad as i wanted ?? oh well
> 
> my tumblr is memekasasha and my domain is http://mikasasha.god.jp/ have fun
> 
> edit: ive been getting a lot of comments about how mikaani is better ????????? why would u say that on this this is a mikasasha fic wtf stop
> 
> edit: pls stop talking abt mikaani in the comments ?????????????? this is the second time ive had to put this in the story??? just stop this is a mikasasha fic and annie isnt even in it like i like mikaani too but can u please have some respect that this time it just isnt mikaani????¿??? thx


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